Much like an animal, Caleb lives in the present. When I am present and in the moment, I too do very well..it is when I vassilate between past and future that I get into trouble. I have not written in a while, and thank you for noticing, because at times even I become fatigued with my dribbling on and on about sadness and confusion and life and I get sick to death of hearing myself...so how could you not was my reasoning? Thanks for not ditching me!
Max has gone to Costa as of last evening to see his sweet Lara, and now Caleb and I remain on the homefront..me a bit disheveled and uncertain, and Caleb a bit bored without the constant coming and goings of his entorage. I have been particularly pensive about my life lately...it's as tho life is force feeding me stillness- not something I have ever done well. Caleb's accident brought life as I knew it to a grinding halt, Jan's suicide caused me to stop and ponder all that I thought was real, and a simple thing like my injured arm has made me focus on my caregiving since I can't possible run around and "do" all the things I do to keep me busy and totally preoccupied so that I don't have to think about things that I don't wish to think about. . So in my stillness I scrutinize all I have done in my life which I regret, and all the things I have loved, for which I have no regrets, and all the hopes I have for the future, where I hope regrets will pack up and mosey on by.
I am on the waxing end of life now - I don't know where or when exactly that that turn of events transpired...from a young girl full of promise and hopes, to a young woman raising children to where I am now, but I know now that I am looking at my mortallity in a way that I never have bothered with before. I watch the moon hovering above and realize that I too have cast shawdows that have kept out the light. I am illuminated by all that I have learned in the course of my years...and I am encouraged by all that I did not do well, because it humbles me and makes me human.
And I take great comfort in knowing it is the same moon that shines down on all of us.